We all have our 'shop window' where we display our goods; our best qualities, talents and loveliness. We look in each others' windows and stop to admire the fine goods on display. But, we tend to attach to a person, not for what they have on display but for what they have hidden in their dark store cupboard. Out of view is the place where we hide our 'skeletons'; our secret fears and our discarded and rejected aspects of ourselves. It is these that cement us and unite us to our partner!! These are also what reappear to torment us when the fireworks die down!
The father of Couples Counselling, Henry Dicks, said there are three main reasons why we choose our partner: Social (the same social group, age, education etc) Conscious (that person will help me to be who I need to be) and Unconscious (the skeletons) Without us realising it, they have the same 'issues' often presenting in opposite ways.
If a couple hit problems it is usually because these buried 'skeletons' have come out of the cupboard and are haunting us afresh. The problem may be one of 'feeling second best' or 'not good enough'.
One partner might have covered that up by becoming top salesman, the other might be shy and retiring as a result - but the crucial injury remains the same and causes havoc when opened up again.
In the period of realism there is a chance to rework your own skeletons but all too often the feeling is one of being haunted by the fear that you have always wished to escape.
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